We interrupt your evening to bring you this exclusive from our East Anglia new desk.
Apparently, a recent outbreak of sickness at a Cambridgeshire school is being attributed to excessive nose picking. Bouts of short term sickness are traditionally attributed to seasonal norovirus infections spread by close contact with an infected person or contaminated surface. Our sources however are suggesting that picking your nose, until now considered a harmless if revolting habit more likely to cause the observer to vomit than the affected person, could be directly responsible. If the claims are proved to be correct they are set to cause widespread shock amongst the global medical and scientific communities. Furthermore, we could be in the grip of an epidemic.
Our source said, “No wonder everyone is getting sick cos they all keep picking their noses”. Initial reports of one person almost tunnelling through their cranium have since been established as untrue however we do have a source close to the outbreak who has been able to corroborate claims of poor etiquette. “That class are well disgusting” they said. “Every time I stand behind one of them in a queue someone cuts the cheese. Its rotten. You can tell what they’ve had for lunch”
The shock announcement came this evening as parents all over the UK were collecting their children as normal, blissfully unaware of the risks.
Nobody at the school was prepared to comment because we didn’t ask them. The department of health however did give us a statement. Their spokesman said, “Are you taking the piss? This phone number is for serious enquiries”
At this moment parents are urged to stay calm because there isn’t a shred of evidence to support the claims. As the story unfolds however people may well ask, “why weren’t we warned sooner.”
DISCLAIMER: The information contained within this article came from the hilarious analysis of an anonymous 6 year old. The author is not responsible for any widespread hysteria emanating from readers who act on this report because they lack a basic foundation of intelligence or comprehension of irony and sarcasm.