Photo Credit: Dirty Dishes by Lisa Clark via Flickr. Used with thanks under terms of Creative Commons


Since the launch of my blog I have, as requested, received some very supportive feedback.  A couple of more cynical people however have insinuated that I must have too much time on my hands.  With respect, you have completely missed the point.  No I don’t have a lot of time on my hands.  I have a mountain of tasks that need doing, redoing and then doing all over again.  I’m avoiding them.  This blog is a small window in a vacuous life that throws a little daylight into my being. Lets explore this.

Because I live in a social void, the number of even remotely valid excuses I have for avoiding housework have been rapidly evaporating.  Dawn, working for nearly 2 weeks solid now was due a day off today and I figured it was only a matter of time before she re-gathered her wits and realised that I’d done bugger all.  No more procrastination, it was time to roll up the old sleeves and crack on.

So, I parked Freddy in front of Paw Patrol with a croissant and made a mental list of tasks.  First I cleared up all of his toys and hoovered the carpet.  Then I popped out and put a load of washing on.  When I came back in most of the croissant was spread around the floor so I hoovered up again.  Then I decided he’d had enough Paw Patrol so I turned the TV off and gave him a book before going to empty the dishwasher.  Freddy didn’t want to play with his book so he came to the kitchen to help unload the dishwasher. That wasn’t going well from my perspective so I decided to put him in bed while I cleaned up the broken bits of Denby from the kitchen floor.  Then I went back through to the sitting room and picked his toys up again.  Freddy didn’t seem to want to go to sleep because he was playing at trying to push his wardrobe over so I thought, lunch.  I was choking for a cuppa so I boiled the kettle and poured the water on top of a bag.  Then I went to get Freddy and he’d taken his nappy off and pee’d on the bed so I changed him, stripped the bed and brought him downstairs for his lunch.  I went back to the kitchen, poured the cold unmade tea away and started again.  Then I went back to the front room and cleaned Freddy, the table, the wall and the dog before hoovering the carpet again and clearing lunch away.  Then we had another go at nap-time and I grabbed the urine soaked bedclothes, emptied the washer, filled it again and was on my way back into the house when I heard the phone ring.  This might have been the school saying one of the kids was poorly so I put the basket down in the garden and ran to the phone.  I had a quick chat to a very nice man asking about my PPI and I said “I’m really very busy could you just fuck off?” I poured the cold tea away and started another cup.  Freddy still didn’t want to sleep so I went upstairs to get him ready.  I put his shoes and coat on ready for the school run and finished making my tea when the phone went again.  This might have been the school phoning to say one of the kids was poorly so I popped my tea on a side table and rushed to the phone where I had a quick chat with a very nice man asking if I could remember the accident I had two years ago. When I’d finished swearing I put the phone down but Freddy was nowhere to be seen so I went out to the garden and picked all of the clean washing off the floor and put it in the utility room ready to be rewashed.  Then I put Freddies shoes and coat on again for the school run and just as we were leaving he crapped his nappy so I popped upstairs and changed him. We were late picking up the other kids so they had been stood to one side so that all the other mummies could see what a bad parent I am. We walked home and both of them told me about their day at the same time while I tried to look interested.  When we got in Eve was back from school so all of them asked me individually 3 times each for a snack.  I threw a packet of biscuits at them and put tea on (this is a subject in its own right).  When I went back to the front room I picked up the toys, hoovered the biscuits off the carpet and put the telly on.  Freddy came into the kitchen with an empty tea cup so I popped back into the front room and scrubbed cold tea off the floor, side table all along the hallway and the dog.  After tea the kids got a sugar rush and got the toys out again.  I decided enough was enough and wrestled them into bed (this is also a subject in its own right).  I came downstairs and the house looked like Tracey Emins turner prize nomination but I was really tired so I sat down with a large G & T just for five minutes.

At that moment, Dawn came in and said, “Christ, look at the state of the house.  What have you been doing all day” and I had a little meltdown.  She looked at me really concerned and said “I think you might be depressed. You are acting hysterically and you stink of booze” so I lost it a little bit again.  When I calmed down Dawn helped me clear up and then stood there looking at me expectantly until I said thank you.  Then she suggested an early night and I thought, “ooh, thats thoughtful, I am very tired, its been a tough day”.  But then it turned out that Dawn and I were on a different wave length and she said “how can you be tired, you’ve been sat on your arse all day” and I had another little meltdown.  Dawn seemed to get over this quite quickly, farted and fell asleep but I wasn’t in the mood for sleeping now so I tossed and turned a bit until about 5am. At 6am Charlie came in and said he didn’t feel well so I sorted that and couldn’t get to sleep again so I got up, went downstairs and made my first proper cup of tea in 24 hours.  I sat down and read back through all my blogs about avoiding housework and then I noticed something through a crack in the curtains.  It was the first gentle tendrils of clarity creeping across the morning sky.  I drew the curtains back and the glorious Dawn of reality cascaded over me.  Then the glorious Dawn Sigrist and our kids came downstairs and a whole new day of exciting promise started all over again.  And I went off to the bathroom and had a little cry.